True Listening
A friend asked some wonderful questions yesterday on Facebook. This morning, I took the time to answer. Because this topic is so important to the mission of Gossamer Threads, I decided to share it here as well.
"If you are so inclined to contemplate, I'd love to know your thoughts. Three-part question:
1. To truly listen means to be quiet and still. It is turning off your need to respond for long enough to hear what they are saying, and what is being said beneath the words. It is to hold a space where that person's soul and truth can emerge in all its vulnerability. Truly listening involves learning to accept being uncomfortable with how the other person's words might make you feel. It means sitting in that discomfort as long as it takes until a door opens for you to see another perspective. Truly listening means that when it is time for you to talk, it's not from a position of being defensive, but from a place where you can ask questions that help you to better understand.
2. No, I don't believe most of us have been taught how to listen. There are pockets of the world and wonderful people who are teaching and sharing these things, but it hasn't reached critical mass yet. Two shout-outs here: The Circle of Trust Approach, and Better Angels (links at the end of my comment.)
3. See my answer to #2. Also, this takes practice. And people will make mistakes. People will get hurt. But you keep working. You keep coming back to the table. You keep trying to understand.
I really appreciate your explanation of how contention and conflict differ. Just spreading this message would do a lot towards helping people listen more and better. It has taken me a long time to get to a place where saying, "I disagree," or "That's not how I see it," is comfortable for me. I grew up in a culture where dissent simply wasn't allowed. Another opinion or perspective was seen as an attack. My Unitarian Universalist congregation has helped me so much with this, but I know that we are an anomaly, even among UU's. I love the fact that on my pew there might be a Christian, an atheist, a pagan, and a Hindu and we can all sit together and worship together. This quote is often misattributed to Francis David, but whatever it's origins, I believe it to be true. "We need not think alike to love alike."
And now to the final questions you wrapped up with. I like this question, "you are in charge of bringing unity and peace to the LDS Church or our nation; how would you go about doing that?" but I'm afraid it is not deep enough. I grew up with people that thought we could solve all the problems in the world by converting everyone to Mormonism. If they were Mormon, all the problems would go away. By extension, if all Mormons were truly converted and righteous (meaning they think all the same things about everything that I do) there wouldn't be any problems in the church. For many people, I think the question would be translated to "How do I get people to do things my way?" My personal answer to the question is to get everyone trained in the circle of trust approach and create opportunities for dialogues like Better Angels is doing. However, if I am to be completely honest, I have to admit that perhaps these are not the solutions that will work for everyone.
I think true listening and understanding comes as we learn to see the individuals in front of us, not their labels. It hurts me when people say things like, "all conservatives are..." or "all liberals are..." because it is simply not true. I can't share specifics because it's not my story to tell, but someone recently shared a story about being in a situation where people were getting really ugly in their comments about the LGBT community and this person was brave enough to come out to this group and explain how it made them feel to hear those things. And the whole situation changed because they finally saw a real face, a face they knew, as someone who was part of that group they were othering.
Here are the links mentioned above:
https://better-angels.org/who-we-are/
http://www.couragerenewal.org/approach/
Lori wrote:
"If you are so inclined to contemplate, I'd love to know your thoughts. Three-part question:
1. What does it mean to truly listen to another human being?
2. Have the majority of us ever properly learned how?
When it comes to deeply-held belief differences, (politics, religion, football, music, etc) in conflict (in conflict is the key here) I am pretty sure the answer to #2 is no. I am being realistic (not pessimistic?). However.
3. Are there ways to listen, understand, empathize, and respect other deeply held beliefs when they are in direct conflict with yours? If so, what are those ways?
Definition of key terms in this context:
Listening: different than hearing. Listening is an active process where the listener makes a conscious decision to understand the message and the person sending the message, and uses learned and practiced skills to do so.
Conflict: interactions with real or perceived incompatible goals, scarce resources, or opposing viewpoints. Much different than contention. Conflict is natural, beneficial, 100% inevitable. Conflict is issue oriented. Contention is attacking and personal.
Empathize: the ability to understand / feel what someone else is experiencing through their frame of reference."
Potential examples:
1. Recent LDS religious conference address by leader Dallin H Oaks has caused a lot of conflict between orthodox LDS members and LDS LGBT community.
2. November 2015 LDS policy change (& subsequent change to "revelation" by church leader RM Nelson), causes conflict among LDS leadership, LDS membership, and LGBT LDS community.
3. Current White House administration actions, and current division among Americans regarding POTUS tweets, words & actions; political party deception and/or inaction; Washington corruption; foreign and national relations; disasters, terrorists, protests, racism, sexism and media etc.
1. Recent LDS religious conference address by leader Dallin H Oaks has caused a lot of conflict between orthodox LDS members and LDS LGBT community.
2. November 2015 LDS policy change (& subsequent change to "revelation" by church leader RM Nelson), causes conflict among LDS leadership, LDS membership, and LGBT LDS community.
3. Current White House administration actions, and current division among Americans regarding POTUS tweets, words & actions; political party deception and/or inaction; Washington corruption; foreign and national relations; disasters, terrorists, protests, racism, sexism and media etc.
Would framing all this in a "you are in charge of bringing unity and peace to the LDS Church or our nation; how would you go about doing that?" Or is talking about concepts better?"
I responded:
This conversation is so important. Thank you for asking these questions. My answers won't be eloquent or profound, but they are a reflection of what I see as very needed in the world right now.1. To truly listen means to be quiet and still. It is turning off your need to respond for long enough to hear what they are saying, and what is being said beneath the words. It is to hold a space where that person's soul and truth can emerge in all its vulnerability. Truly listening involves learning to accept being uncomfortable with how the other person's words might make you feel. It means sitting in that discomfort as long as it takes until a door opens for you to see another perspective. Truly listening means that when it is time for you to talk, it's not from a position of being defensive, but from a place where you can ask questions that help you to better understand.
2. No, I don't believe most of us have been taught how to listen. There are pockets of the world and wonderful people who are teaching and sharing these things, but it hasn't reached critical mass yet. Two shout-outs here: The Circle of Trust Approach, and Better Angels (links at the end of my comment.)
3. See my answer to #2. Also, this takes practice. And people will make mistakes. People will get hurt. But you keep working. You keep coming back to the table. You keep trying to understand.
I really appreciate your explanation of how contention and conflict differ. Just spreading this message would do a lot towards helping people listen more and better. It has taken me a long time to get to a place where saying, "I disagree," or "That's not how I see it," is comfortable for me. I grew up in a culture where dissent simply wasn't allowed. Another opinion or perspective was seen as an attack. My Unitarian Universalist congregation has helped me so much with this, but I know that we are an anomaly, even among UU's. I love the fact that on my pew there might be a Christian, an atheist, a pagan, and a Hindu and we can all sit together and worship together. This quote is often misattributed to Francis David, but whatever it's origins, I believe it to be true. "We need not think alike to love alike."
And now to the final questions you wrapped up with. I like this question, "you are in charge of bringing unity and peace to the LDS Church or our nation; how would you go about doing that?" but I'm afraid it is not deep enough. I grew up with people that thought we could solve all the problems in the world by converting everyone to Mormonism. If they were Mormon, all the problems would go away. By extension, if all Mormons were truly converted and righteous (meaning they think all the same things about everything that I do) there wouldn't be any problems in the church. For many people, I think the question would be translated to "How do I get people to do things my way?" My personal answer to the question is to get everyone trained in the circle of trust approach and create opportunities for dialogues like Better Angels is doing. However, if I am to be completely honest, I have to admit that perhaps these are not the solutions that will work for everyone.
I think true listening and understanding comes as we learn to see the individuals in front of us, not their labels. It hurts me when people say things like, "all conservatives are..." or "all liberals are..." because it is simply not true. I can't share specifics because it's not my story to tell, but someone recently shared a story about being in a situation where people were getting really ugly in their comments about the LGBT community and this person was brave enough to come out to this group and explain how it made them feel to hear those things. And the whole situation changed because they finally saw a real face, a face they knew, as someone who was part of that group they were othering.
Here are the links mentioned above:
https://better-angels.org/who-we-are/
http://www.couragerenewal.org/approach/
Keep the Conversation Going
- What are your responses to Lori's questions?
- What resources can you share that help people learn to be better listeners?
- Share a story about how really listening made a difference.
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